C. Daniel Boling: Listen to Music

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My sister has told this story on a friend of hers for years and cracked us all up. Seemed long past time to turn it into a ditty ...

RENT-A-SNAKE                                                                      

©2017 C. Daniel Boling - Perfectly Stable Music / ASCAP

 

I live in an old two-story farmhouse with my wife

My grandfather built it and I’ve lived here all my life

Late to bed after enjoying food and friends and talk

I failed to take our geriatric Great Dane for his walk

 

Arising early my sweet wife awoke me with a shrug

Said, There’s a present waiting for you on the hallway rug

Your massive and decrepit dog deposited a pile

Of something putrid, fetid, rank and vile

 

I slugged a cup of coffee down to help me do the do

Then shoveled the offending mass into the upstairs loo

But the plumber’s helper couldn’t - the blockage wouldn’t budge

I flushed and plunged and soon the floor was ankle-deep in sludge

 

I want – to rent – a snake

I want – to rent – a snake

My commode is discommodious

Its flushing once melodious

Is execrable and odious

It’s more than I can take

I want – to rent – a snake

 

The rental counter kid said, Mister, snakes are old technology

You want the Power Flusher – latest wrinkle in hydrology

Just bolt this baby to the bowl and pump it up to pressure

You’ll blow your troubles down the hole

And make your whole house fresher

 

I lugged it home and set to work and followed each instruction

But I figured that more pressure would yield even greater suction

The loathsome waters blasted down, then rushed back toward the ceiling

And crashed in filthy torrents to the floor where I was kneeling

 

I then personified the definition of insanity

Repeating my experiment, with worsening profanity

But the Flusher gave the same result with every encounter

I drug it back still dripping slime and laid it on the counter

 

I want – to rent – a snake …

 

I snaked each pipe throughout the house as clean as when we got ‘em

I took the basement cleanouts off and snaked up from the bottom

I flushed each loo a dozen times, they worked like they were newer

But I never closed the cleanouts – now our basement is our sewer

 

I want – to rent – a snake …