1. Rent-a-Snake

From the recording Rent-a-Snake

My sister has told this story on a friend of hers for years and cracked us all up. Seemed long past time to turn it into a ditty ...


©2017 C. Daniel Boling - Perfectly Stable Music / ASCAP
I live in an old two-story farmhouse with my wife
My grandfather built it and I’ve lived here all my life
Late to bed after enjoying food and friends and talk
I failed to take our geriatric Great Dane for his walk
Arising early my sweet wife awoke me with a shrug
Said, There’s a present waiting for you on the hallway rug
Your massive and decrepit dog deposited a pile
Of something putrid, fetid, rank and vile
I slugged a cup of coffee down to help me do the do
Then shoveled the offending mass into the upstairs loo
But the plumber’s helper couldn’t - the blockage wouldn’t budge
I flushed and plunged and soon the floor was ankle-deep in sludge
I want – to rent – a snake
I want – to rent – a snake
My commode is discommodious
Its flushing once melodious
Is execrable and odious
It’s more than I can take
I want – to rent – a snake
The rental counter kid said, Mister, snakes are old technology
You want the Power Flusher – latest wrinkle in hydrology
Just bolt this baby to the bowl and pump it up to pressure
You’ll blow your troubles down the hole
And make your whole house fresher
I lugged it home and set to work and followed each instruction
But I figured that more pressure would yield even greater suction
The loathsome waters blasted down, then rushed back toward the ceiling
And crashed in filthy torrents to the floor where I was kneeling
I then personified the definition of insanity
Repeating my experiment, with worsening profanity
But the Flusher gave the same result with every encounter
I drug it back still dripping slime and laid it on the counter
I want – to rent – a snake …
I snaked each pipe throughout the house as clean as when we got ‘em
I took the basement cleanouts off and snaked up from the bottom
I flushed each loo a dozen times, they worked like they were newer
But I never closed the cleanouts – now our basement is our sewer
I want – to rent – a snake …